15 December 2012
5 December 2012
I think it's great that you are pg. I am so glad that you don't have to suffer through more years of IF like I do, but do you really have to talk about your pregnancy all the time?
The "sex announcement" cupcakes were cute, but I feel like they're mocking me. The talk about the baby names you've chosen, the things you've bought for your nursery and all things baby are kinda driving me nuts, especially when you go on and on in the staff room while I'm eating my lunch.
Give an IF girl a break!!!!
Obviously you have forgotten the pain of IF. I wish I could, but I'm still on the outside, looking in.
ps Thank God for my IF counsellor. If it wasn't for our meeting on Monday this would've been a much angrier post.
27 November 2012
I wish I could wake up to a house full of children and all the chaos they come with.
I wish that I could complain about how tired, frustrated, annoyed or burnt out I feel to other mothers.
I wish I didn't have to work outside of my home. I wish that I spent all day teaching my own children.
I wish I was sleep-deprived.
Unable to exercise.
Covered in spit-up.
I wish that my body would work.
I promise, if given the chance I won't forget the pain of IF. I will not take a moment of motherhood for granted. Even in the midst of many sleepless nights, sick babies, and defiant children.
Please God, if it is Your will, please hear me.
I'm so tired of the wait.
So very, very tired.
25 November 2012
The reason why I've been dragging my feet with regards to our homestudy.
We found a social worker that we want to work with.
She answered our questions promptly.
Mr. JB is ready to go.
And then, I stopped in my tracks.
Then while sitting at my desk at work, it hit me like a ton of bricks.
I have too many IF issues that I haven't dealt with. There is too much pain and disappointment that I've carried around these past seven years -- yes, even resetting one's TTC clock to zero last year didn't help. I didn't get amnesia, nor did all the hurt disappear.
I wished that it could have, but it didn't.
I need to fix myself before we can move on. I don't want a child (or children) to come into our home with a broken mother.
My appointment is on December 3rd.
Not a day too soon.
15 November 2012
I am thankful that tomorrow is a PD day and I don't have to teach students. I love my class, but I need a break.
I am thankful for good, hot tea. It was a cold morning and it really helped warm me up. What am I going to do this winter????? Oh yeah, wear the new winter coat that bought that's rated to -40.
I am thankful that we have almost paid off one of our bills from Creighton. One more payment and then we'll only have the big hospital bill to pay off (we'll be done paying that one off January 2014).
I am thankful that we are both gainfully employed so we can pay off the above bills.
I am thankful for being able to text my girlfriends that are far away. If it wasn't for your texts I would've already gone crazy.
I am thankful that AF started during mass. I was able to ask God for strength to get through another month.
I am especially thankful to work in a publicly funded Catholic school where I can pray whenever I want.
I am grateful for this blogging community. I know that even when I feel down and disappointed, I can come here and find comfort.
12 November 2012
I've never blogged about it before, but I have extreme anxiety when I speak to strangers on the phone. It's definitely gotten worse in the past few years, but I can't help it! Mr. JB is pretty good about answering the phone and making sure that I don't have to deal with anxiety-provoking situations. Btw, I don't know why so few social workers/adoption practitioners have websites. We chose the two we are going to contact because of their (user-friendly and attractive) websites.
We had an appointment with our awesome Napro doctor this afternoon. I wish I could be as positive as she is. My FSH has not changed (it's still 15), my hormones are stellar, my CM is great, and while on HCG, my luteal phase is perfect. We're going to try the low dose HCG protocol 100 IU of HCG injections from day 8 to Peak +1) for two cycles to see if that changes anything. Also, Mr. JB's SFA was much better (morphology, count and motility has all improved, the results from August were just a fluke!).
Part of me is so over the IF treatment. This time last year I was recovering from my second surgery at PPVI. I didn't even think that it was a possibility that I would still be childless. I'm angry and disappointed, and still paying off a HUGE hospital bill. I am also resentful that we have to spend even more money to adopt -- although it's just a fraction of what we spent in Omaha.
I'm just so tired of jumping through hoops to become a mother.
My heart wants to be 100% invested in the next phase of our lives, but I have that little glimmer of hope that this new HCG protocol will be the missing link for us. Then again, judging from the past seven years and four months, it probably won't.
I know that part of me is just grumpy and hormonal -- it doesn't help that all of my late-cycle symptoms mimic every early pg sign. When my Napro doctor asked about the possibility of testing, I almost laughed.
My head and heart are all over the place. I wish I could choose one path, but my heart won't let me. I'm so not good at working in the gray areas!
What would you do?
p.s. In my province, you are not allowed to adopt if you are pg. The rules say that children should be 18 months apart. If I were to miraculously fall pg, our adoption plans would go on ice. Whoever made up this rule was never IF and desperate to have a huge family.
1 November 2012
The first night in the hospital involved intense itching (from the antibiotic that I was given) and a blood transfusion -- which I was not happy about, although I could barely articulate why.
I didn't expect to still be childless, one year later. And I am trying not to dwell on the disappointment.
I made plans, and God did laugh.
But He also has lead us down a new path.
Thank you again for all of you support and prayers. One day, I hope soon, I will be able to look back and see why our Lord has chosen this particular road for us.
28 October 2012
22 October 2012
We finished our P.RIDE training yesterday and I feel so excited about this new step in our life. I have to admit that the arrival of CD1 barely crossed my emotional radar -- I haven't felt this relaxed about AF arriving since before my surgeries!
Mr. JB and I are almost certain that we are going to pursue public domestic adoption through the C.AS, something that we started talking about a few years ago, before we started down the route of my multiple surgeries. What helped solidify our decision was a family that came to speak to us. They had undergone fertility treatments which resulted in a stillbirth, so they had decided to pursue international adoption.
Unfortunately, after all their paperwork (and most likely, a lot of money) they discovered that they wouldn't be able to continue with their adoption because the husband had suffered from cancer. Soon after their failed attempt they started the process with C.AS and within a year and a half they adopted three siblings! Two out of their three adopted children were present and they looked so happy and well-adjusted. The most heart-warming part of their story was that they miraculously became pg (yes, the "if you adopt you get pg cure to IF!"). Their older children were over the moon at the arrival of their new sister and the eldest child decided to stay home with the baby rather than speak to us -- something completely understandable!
Mr. JB and I are definitely open to sibling groups, although we don't have room for more than two children in our current home. Then again, bunk beds are always an option!
Our next step is finding a social worker to get our homestudy done. That e-mail is going to get sent tomorrow.
For the first time in a very long time my heart feels at peace. God is leading us down this path and I feel His hand steering us the entire way.
Blessed John Paul II, pray for us!
15 October 2012
10 October 2012
I also apologize for being so vague in my last post. We sent off our application and fee for our P.RIDE training and we're doing our course this weekend and next. I have many mixed emotions about our next step, and I promise a more detailed post when I can wrap my head around everything.
So, I will leave you some musical inspiration. We've been on a Mumford and Sons kick in the JellyBelly household. It hit me the other day that I'm entering a new season of waiting, and this song just fit.
26 September 2012
17 September 2012
I wish that I could return to the blogworld with happy news, or even a more positive outlook.
But I can't.
And I'm worried that if I don't return to blogging that I will lose my mind.
So here I am, after almost a month away -- which I needed. My mental state needed the break, and I was feeling so low and angry that I didn't want to sully the internets with my negativity.
Btw, the situation that I asked for all of you to pray for is getting better. I couldn't decide whether or not to share what was going on (another excuse as to why I took my break), and after much prayer and contemplation I decided that I'm not going to. The situation is better and I know that your prayers helped. Maybe one day I will be ready to blog about it, but right now I can't.
You can probably guess from the tone of this post that my trigger cycle didn't result in a miraculous pregnancy. That cycle only got to Peak +9 -- yes, even with progesterone supplementation. I decided that since my luteal phase was so short that I would take the next cycle off and I'm P+10 of my break cycle number one.
I really needed the break.
And it seems as though my break is going to be a little longer since we got some more bad results today at the doctor's office.
Not only is my AMH level really low (it's 0.16ng/mL where it needs to be more than 0.69 to be considered normal), but now Mr. JB's most recent seminal fluid analysis was not good. In fact, it was horrible. His count was low, there wasn't any motility and the morphology was only 61%.
Despite all of this, our Napro doctor isn't sounding the alarm. She wants me to take two more months off, so no trigger shots and just post-Peak HCG for me since my PMS has been so bad that I fear for the lives of those close to me. She wants us to repeat the SFA in six weeks (which I'm sure will come out normal, Mr. JB has done five other SFA's and they were all normal).
On our way home I admitted to Mr. JB that I think that God does not want us to be biological parents. All factors are pointing to no, there is not denying it. I have low ovarian reserve and now we have no sperm. I honestly felt like God was kicking me in the teeth.
And for the first time in a LONG time, IF brought me to tears.
Thank God for big, dark sunglasses.
It also doesn't help that I feel like I'm in a spiritual desert. Mr. JB and I feel like we've been completely abandoned. It's hard to admit it, but I can barely pray anymore. I'm going through the motions and I'm just not feeling it.
In the past month I've had a failed cycle, my best friend moved away, and we started school (thank God, my class is so good!). I'm not even going to get into the labour unrest for our province's teachers. I can't barely watch the news or read the paper because it stresses me out so much.
I keep telling myself that I've had almost a year of pain-free living. I am so grateful for having that, but I would be lying if I didn't say that it isn't enough.
I am so grateful for your prayers, your comments and your e-mails. The blogging community has been such a blessing. I hope that this phase passes with my whole self intact. Unfortunately, I know that it isn't going to be pretty.
20 August 2012
I'm sorry to be vague, but I'm still trying to wrap my head around this latest stumbling block in our lives, and this time it has nothing to do with my ladyparts.
I promise more details when I am able. For now, I need to prepare for a workshop I'm teaching tomorrow and Wednesday and I need to be at the top of my game.
Please, please pray for us.
17 August 2012
14 August 2012
|This image of St. Rita is going to be on the façade of the altar in the Blessed Sacrament Chapel at St. Rita's Shrine|
|A relic (which I believe is her skin)|
So, here goes nothing, or everything -- it just depends on how you look at it.
I've been trying not to think about what may happen after this trigger shot. I have already convinced myself that it isn't going to work -- not the best way to look at things, I know.
I also don't think that it's a coincidence that I finished a novena to St. Maximilian Kolbe AND I'm finishing my consecration to Mary tomorrow.
No, I don't believe in coincidences. God-incidences, however, I believe in 150%.
I'm trying so hard to surrender my fear and trust.
I guess we'll see how I actually do in about two weeks.
St. Rita, St. Gianna, St. Gerard, Sts. Anne and Joachim, St. Jude, pray for us!!!
Post-trigger shot update: I couldn't use the HUGE needle that our Napro doctor gave us to do the shot, so Mr. JB and I used two of my regular HCG needles. It took multiple tries since I'm more than a little scared of needles, but it's done. Ouch!
12 August 2012
I would like to thank those of you that are praying the St. Rita Novena on my behalf (and on the behalf of all the other IF'ers still in waiting). We visited the National Shrine of St. Rita Cascia and I prayed for all of my IF sisters, as well as Mrs. Hebrews' baby Claire. I left our intentions beside her relics and I lit a candle for all of you. Mrs. Hebrews and I are going to say the novena one extra day to cover trigger day, I would love it if you joined us!
I'm trying my hardest to not think about our trigger shot on the 14th, although it's hard not to. I'm not looking forward to having to inject myself in a hotel room in Pitts.burg (we decided to visit so Mr. JB can see the city where his beloved St.eelers play!). We also wanted to hit the outlet mall in Gro.ve C.ity since we are both quite disappointed with the shopping here in William.sburg.
I've had two highlights to our trip, thus far. Mr. JB and I had breakfast with Karey and her beautiful family. Clara is even cuter in person and she has to be the friendliest toddler that I have ever met! I have been called the "baby whisperer" more than once, but I've never had a child jump into my arms five seconds after meeting her! It always gives me hope to see a former IF buddy with their family!
I've enjoyed being super lazy during our stay in Vi.rginia. I've barely read and I've slept in every morning. I even ate lunch in my pyjamas yesterday! I had a long, hard school year and I want to make sure that I'm rested for the new kiddos!
So, I'm going to stop "working" so hard so I can get into my comfies to watch the closing ceremonies of the Olym.pics. I don't want to get over-tired!
26 July 2012
I know that Dr. T is a wonderful doctor, and I know that I am so blessed to have her in my life. This post is proof.
Tuesday afternoon was just another example of how wonderful she is.
She actually seemed excited that I hadn't ovulated during this last ultrasound series/hormone panel.
Yes folks, excited.
She seems to think that this may be the missing link as to why we haven't conceived yet. You see, this was my fourth (is there a prize for that?) ultrasound series and this is the first time I did not ovulate. She thinks that my high FSH and new post-surgical ladyparts, that ovulation has become my problem.
So she wants us to try an HCG trigger shot for two months and post-peak progesterone. Since my hormones, CM, and follicles seem to be okay I don't need any more C.lomid or any other ovulation drugs. She seemed so confident that we could conceive that she checked the calendar to see if she would be back from her vacation (she is going to do some mission work in Africa for three weeks, honestly she is an angel!) in the time that I could possibly be pregnant.
I wanted so badly to tell her that I just couldn't do it, but her positivity started to sway me. It also didn't help that Mr. JB got all excited as well.
Part of me thinks that I need to try this new course of treatment. I need to see it through and then start the new TTC-free chapter of my life. But another part of me just wants to run and hide.
Two more months of TTC. Can I do it?
St. Anne, pray for us!
22 July 2012
K and I have built an amazing friendship and she is one of the most kindhearted people I have ever met. I knew that I was in a safe space and I knew that I could ask her the question and get an honest answer.
As all of you know, I have been in a struggle. I am fed up with my body and I am discerning what to do next. And by the way, thank you all for your kind comments, prayers and e-mails. I have re-read them all many times since my last post and they have brought tears of gratitude to my eyes.
K asked me to name my fears, I didn't have to do it out loud, but she encouraged me to recognize them. In recognizing our fears, we can finally face them.
So here I am, facing the worst of my fears.
Giving up my dream of biological motherhood is something that I have not wanted to do, but if I don't I am afraid that I am going to lose myself. I knew that my heart would tell me when I was done, and I think this is what it is telling me to do.
During our session K asked me what message I was hearing from my body. And these words came loud and clear:
Be kind. Be gentle.
At first she laughed since it sounded more like an order rather than a piece of wise advice. She asked me to change the tone from a command to a suggestion.
I have been repeating these words to myself over and over since Thursday.
Be kind. Be gentle.
I am trying so hard to take my own advice. I am trying so hard not to let the despair that I have been feeling completely take over my life. I am trying to let the Lord and prayer guide me through this.
I know that there is a light at the end of this long tunnel. I just need to open my eyes to see it.
St. Anne, pray for us!
19 July 2012
I'm done folks.
I want off the TTC train.
I'm in the midst of my fourth ultrasound series and it seems as though my ovaries are not cooperating.
I feel like such a fool after spending all that money in Omaha, since it seems like my ladyparts have more problems that surgery didn't fix.
I don't know why God has given me this cross to bear. It's far too heavy for me to carry.
I need to put it down.
Seven years is much too long and my heart can't take any more.
I'm sorry for such a sad post, particularly when there is so much happiness in blogland.
I just need to figure out a way to mourn my fertility without completely falling apart.
Lord, please have mercy on my weary soul.
16 July 2012
9 July 2012
I just wanted all of you to know that I'm still alive and infertile.
Starting acupuncture to try to lower my FSH this week. I am so thankful that Mr. JB's bf is doing my treatment at a very reduced cost!
I also start my fourth (yay!) ultrasound series next week! [Please note the sarcasm. Honestly, if the appointments weren't convenient I was just going to forget it, but the booking lady was so accommodating I took it as a sign that I should go through with it.]
Taking evil Fla.gyl in the attempt to get rid of the minimal TEBB that I have been having since my surgery. Btw, I learned a very hard lesson on Saturday. I took my morning dose before I went to yoga. I started to feel nauseous during class (it could've bee the meds, or the fact that it was really hot in the room) so when I got home I lay down. I proceeded to fall asleep and two hours later I woke up feeling incredibly sick. I am never going to go fall asleep on an empty stomach ever again! I am so happy that the headaches have finally abated and I feel like a normal human being again.
I almost bit through my tongue today in class. We're currently talking about ethics and the topic of birth control and ART came up. Thank God for Sew and Mr. JB. They got me through the discussion without screaming, throwing anything or outing myself as an infertile.
I am sure that there will be some interesting insights by the end of this course. I have also learned that I know so much more about my faith than my classmates -- not that I'm trying to brown nose!
But for now, I'm spent.
It also doesn't help that I went to a yoga/boot camp class tonight. I have never felt so out of shape in my life.
My summer vacation officially starts on July 20th.
I can't wait!
2 July 2012
I was able to finish my classroom move, not lose my temper and even enjoy my class just a little bit. The best thing about my last day was my most challenging student was away. Thank God for small mercies.
Yesterday we attended Mr. JB's best friend's Canada Day/Birthday Party. We were one of the two childless couples in attendance. The other childless couple knew before they were married that they couldn't have children. The husband had cancer as a child and as a result of his treatments, he is sterile. I am always glad when they're in attendance since it can be unbearable due to the plethora of small children abound (thank you to Sew and TCIE who helped me get through the party!).
WAY back when our IF journey started Mr. JB and I went to a conventional fertility clinic. One day I had an appointment with the evil doctor that I saw and I ran into Mr. JB's bf's SIL and BIL. It was quite the awkward meeting, but I was thankful it was them and not a parent from my school. They have gone on to have two daughters, both via IVF. A has endo and has had a couple surgeries, enough to get her pg. I'm not sure how many times they tried, but their last pregnancy was quite rough. She was pg with twins, then halfway through the pregnancy she lost one twin and had to be put on strict bedrest. Her daughter was born quite premature, but is thriving now.
At the party I couldn't help but look at their older daughter with longing. If we went down the ART route there is a strong possibility that we would have at least one child, heck maybe two.
But then I was snapped back to reality.
I wouldn't have been able to live with the guilt of using ART. Heck, I felt guilty driving into the parking lot of the clinic. There was no way I could've gone through it.
I also wouldn't be healthy and endo-free. This journey of IF has led me to a much better lifestyle -- now I wish I was overweight and sleep-deprived because my kids and would trade in a heartbeat, but I have to work with what God gave me. I have no idea if this road is going to lead to biological motherhood (and it seems like more and more roadblocks have been put in front of us to show me that it doesn't seem likely, but miracles do happen).
So where is my rambling going? I guess I'm grateful that we followed the Church's teachings. I am so glad that I was not tempted by the panic that the evil doctor was trying to push on me. I am so glad that I listened to my heart and my morals. I am also so grateful that our IF has made my marriage stronger. The only thing missing in our marriage is a child, but otherwise we're happy, which says a lot after all that we have been through in the past seven years!
I wish I knew what lay ahead of us. I wish I knew that after all the pain and recovery of surgery that we will conceive, but I don't know. I do know that my heart is softening to adoption and that I am getting tired of the TTC roller coaster. It may not be time for the seven-year itch, but I know that my TTC gas tank is almost empty.
I am so glad that it's summer vacation, although I will be taking a course, but it will be nice to be the student! I also hope that I have enough time to relax and figure out what we're going to do next. I haven't had enough quiet time to just sit and think about mundane things! I hope that the next two months will be semi-relaxing so I figure some stuff out.
A summer of more discernment. Scary and exciting at the same time.
Sts. Gianna, Rita and Gerard, pray for us!
29 June 2012
She is a refugee from Africa and they have been in Canada for four years. I'm unclear as to the particulars, but I know from the school secretary that they have been pleading their case, but their request is falling on deaf ears.
This student is one of my bright lights, and in a tough class she really stood out. She has thrived living here and I know that the conditions that she would return to would be horrible.
Please pray that the bureaucrats in charge see the light and let them stay!
24 June 2012
This has been the hardest year of teaching.
I have been dreaming of the dismissal bell on June 29th for far too long.
Lord, please give me patience during this last week of school. And please, send us some cooler weather so we don't bake!
St. John Neumann, pray for us!
22 June 2012
I bought tickets to see Sarah McLachlan in the winter while I was off. June seemed so far away! My fertile bf and I are going alone -- we never go out alone, at least we haven't in YEARS!
I am looking forward to bonding and reminiscing (we listened to a lot of Sarah in university!). I feel like she wrote the soundtrack of my life! When I listen to Afterglow I feel like she's singing about me. I wanted "Push" to be our first dance, but Mr. JB vetoed it.
So, for your listening and viewing pleasure I wanted to share one of my faves:
I also never go out on a Friday night, so this is going to be so much fun. I may need some caffeine or real sugar to get some energy!
(Don't worry, I'm just joking, although I had a diet C.oke at lunch today, it was so good!).
20 June 2012
For the past seven years we have lived two minutes away from one another.
She lost her job a few months ago and she hates living away from her family. In the big picture it is so much better to be closer to their families.
I am so, so sad.
Now I have to hold it together and teach.
* They're moving two cities away. It'll be about an hour drive without traffic.
18 June 2012
Nine, very long days.
I don't know how I'm going to handle my crazy class, moving classrooms and the unbearable heat.
Yes, my school is not air conditioned. It's inhumane.
And yes, moving classrooms. I have no energy to do it, and it just sucks.
I'm going to curl up into a ball and sleep.
Btw, Mr. JB and I have decided to do PRIDE training in October. It's a BIG step in our adoption journey.
We're definitely leaning towards adopting through the Child.ren's A.id Soci.ety. We really can't afford international adoption at this point and after a thought-provoking e-mail from a local buddy (yes, that's you CS!) the decision just feels right. Hopefully one day we can find one of our children in Asia, but after all of the pondering and worrying this decision feels right.
11 June 2012
My anxiety levels were already pretty high and one of the nurses called last week to say that Dr. T wanted to discuss some test results (I thought that it had to do with my cloudy urine, but it wasn't).
So aside from stellar hormones, great CM, a nice, long luteal phase, my FSH is high. The last time it was checked it was 15 and now it's 16. She seemed pretty concerned since EVERYTHING is going right.
I didn't have a problem with FSH before my surgeries in Omaha, so this new development has me so worried. She wants me to have my AMH checked (to see what my ovarian reserve is) and I have to take a couple of cycles off of Clo.mid.
I am trying to keep myself calm, but I just feel like this is just too much. It took all I could to not break down in my doctor's office.
So, I'm going to try acupuncture -- I am so lucky that Mr. JB's bf is a chiropractor that does acupunture! -- and I'm going to see Dr. Nora.
Dr. T said that she has had patients conceive with FSH as high as 20, it's rare, but it is possible.
I really don't know how much more I can take of this IF business. It is just too much.
p.s. Dr. T wants to reduce my T3 to 7.5mgs twice a day. I really hope it takes the edge off. She asked me if I wanted to take anti-anxiety medication, but I wasn't interested. I picked up some B.ach Resc.ue Re.medy, so hopefully it takes the edge off.
But it hasn't.
I thought that my anxiety was more situational, but as it persists, I'm starting to think otherwise.
When I was in university this anxiety was paralyzing. I couldn't get out of bed, I couldn't function. I have too many responsibilities to be bedridden.
Today we have the day off to write report cards. I got quite a bit of work done yesterday, but I have a bunch of marking to get to. I couldn't get out of bed until 10am. Every time I woke up my heart was racing, so I just went back to sleep. Not the best coping mechanism, but I didn't know what else to do.
I hate this feeling.
I see my Napro doctor at 2:45pm. I really hope that she has an explanation.
7 June 2012
Unfortunately, I have had to deal with horrible panic attacks since early adulthood.
Don't get me wrong, therapy, medications and now having a stable thyroid helps, but I'm having a really bad morning
It's tough when I have to deal with my crazy class when I'm feeling like I'm going to have a heart attack. I've been trying deep breathing techniques and just staying busy, but I can't shake t.
The worst part is that Mr JB is going away for the weekend and I dread being home alone while I'm feeling like this. I don't want to ask him to stay, but I feel so out of control.
The thing that set me off this morning was getting more news about Mr F. Apparently the cancer is in his bone marrow and he's only working half days. He will be at the mass said for him tomorrow night so I will be able to talk to him myself, but as soon as I heard I almost fell apart.
Please say a prayer that this anxiety passes. Feeling like this is the worst!
4 June 2012
The beloved chaplain of my high school is very ill. I found out from a friend on FB that he has cancer. I don't have the entire story -- some say that it's terminal, others say that he's still at work planning the 40th anniversary of his current school, regardless, he is sick.
I believe that Mr. F is a saint on earth. I have never met anyone so giving, loving and kind. I don't think that I have ever heard him raise his voice, nor utter an unkind word. He exemplifies Christ's love in all that he does.
I was in the first graduating class of my high school and Mr. F started in his position when we started grade nine. He showed me (and many of my classmates) the value of service and faith. He held our hands while we cried through our teenage problems. He counseled us through so many crises. When my grandmother had an aneurysm when I was in grade eleven, he prayed the rosary with me.
I kept in touch with Mr. F well beyond high school. When I applied for my teaching position I asked him to be a reference, which he happily agreed to do. When I was unhappy at my former school he tried to help me get a job at his high school (which didn't work out, thank God, I am not meant to be a secondary teacher!).
On the FB page that has been started in his honour I have read countless posts about how he touched the lives of so many students. There will be a mass said for him on Friday evening and he is going to try to be there.
Please pray for Mr. F, his wife and his son and daughter. I cannot imagine what they are going through right now.
Heaven has enough angels.
St. Peregrine, pray for Mr. F!
2 June 2012
Unfortunately for my wallet, it wasn't enough.
So I convinced Mr JB that we had to take the plunge.
I've been toying with the idea of a new vacuum for months, but I couldn't justify the price. I got him to the store and the salesman was VERY convincing. He sold us last year's model and we got an accessory kit for free. Mr. JB couldn't say no!
So meet the newest member of the JellyBelly family (I used the Vita.mix today so he didn't feel left out). We named him Merv after the sales guy.
We've vacuumed the entire house and I can't believe how dirty it was!
It doesn't make AF any better, but the distraction is welcome!
1 June 2012
30 May 2012
Feeling generally blah.
Crappy, in fact.
I wish that PMS weren't so much like early pg symptoms. It's such a brain-game.
I'm so done with IF.
I wish I had a time machine and a bucket of cash so we can have our family.
Anyone have any hook-ups?
28 May 2012
I know it's because another cycle is drawing to a close -- it's Peak +12 today. I just can't take any more disappointment and I need something else to focus on.
My heart is telling me that our child is waiting in South Korea or the Philippines, but both countries don't seem to be doing infant adoption.
Where do we start? Advice? Tips?
I have to surrender more control and that scares me even more.
Update: After my post this morning (don't worry, my class was in the library taking out books, I was by myself, I wasn't blogging while I should've been teaching) I saw the word adoption everywhere. The clincher was while I was teaching Religion. We've been discussing a family that's expecting a new baby and the dad happens to be adopted. We were reading over the things that we've learned so far and the second question was about adoption. Talk about signs!
Mr. JB said that he's ready too. He would love to adopt from Haiti. He's been saying that since the earthquake. God bless my ever-patient husband!
26 May 2012
It was kinda hard to look at all of the syringes and empty bottles of meds. Our city was having its annual hazardous waste collection and I actually remembered to drop off ours!
I don't even want to begin to count how many needles I've given myself since starting Napro...
23 May 2012
I wrapped it up in TWO bags and I stuffed it in one of the bottom drawers that no one uses.
Oh the things IF has made me do!
ps Yes, I'm still suffering from cloudy pee. It isn't consistent, nor does it happen every day, but it's still happening. Argh!
13 May 2012
Especially when one is IF AND when one's mother is crazy.
I woke up with a horrible feeling of dread. I would've welcomed the flu or a migraine so I could've stayed in bed all day.
I didn't want to go to mass for the inevitable "Mother's Blessing," nor did I want to see my mother (I really don't want to go into why her craziness has been bothering me, but she's gotten so bad that my ever-patient husband is even at his wits' end). Lucky for me, it's our month to usher at our parish and I was able to stand at the back with the church bulletins AND my parents weren't home when I dropped off the flowers we got her.
Two lucky breaks.
I'm tired of being childless on Mother's Day -- the seventh, since we got married. I distracted myself with two yoga classes this afternoon. I did my first yoga with weights class since my surgery and it was so hard that I didn't have time to think about anything else besides my burning muscles. The restorative class that followed was so amazing.
I felt such relief when I left the yoga studio. I survived my day without falling apart.
I know that I've said this before, but Lord could this please let this by my last childless Mother's Day? Please?
7 May 2012
My clothes aren't quite fitting they way they should.
I know that I'm older than 35 (ouch), that my metabolism isn't what it was when I was in my 20's -- when I could eat like a horse, barely exercise and barely push 100lbs.
Oh man, those were the days.
I put on a pair of pants that I haven't worn since before the winter and they were snug. And not just by a little bit.
I know that I can ramp up my exercise routine. The once a week aquafit class and one strenuous yoga class aren't enough (particularly when I miss two weeks in a row).
So I had the bright idea of starting to jog with Mr. JB.
He's been told to lose weight and reduce his cholesterol and he's been walking (although not as regularly as he should). Our family doctor has given him three months. We live in an area full of parks and trails, so running is something that we could do easily AND it wouldn't cost anything (yoga and aquafit aren't free!).
But I hate running.
I used to do it while I was still in school. I would jog with one of my roommates, I would run on the treadmill and the elliptical and I dreaded every moment.
I ran for a few years and when I gave it up I was so happy -- I never experienced the runner's high that I've heard so many talk about.
I am hoping that having a partner to run with, particularly one who has specific fitness goals, is going to help me (have I mentioned that I'm competitive? I'd love to be able to beat Mr. JB in a run!). I also know that I need to do something else physical because I have been so stressed out -- I'm one of those people that have excess energy and I need to do something constructive with it!
So, I'm going to take baby steps. Rebecca totally inspired me this morning when I read her post. I would love to be able to run 5kms without falling over dead!
I'm trying to push the thoughts of "What if I get pg?" "Is it dangerous to TTC while jogging?"
[Goodness, maybe I should Goo.gle that!]
Right now, this jogging plan feels right. And knowing that it will help me get back into shape is definitely the best motivator.
I know that I'll never be a swimsuit model (particularly after all of the crazy scars on my belly), but I'd like to say goodbye to the unnecessary cushioning! It's not the kind of big belly I want right now!
2 May 2012
1 May 2012
30 April 2012
She tested my urine and when the nurse came in to double check she said, "Let's do a beta."
I was on the edge of my seat for the rest of the appointment.
My hormones are rocking, as is my CM. I've had fantastic cycles. Fantastic, viable cycles.
But the beta was negative. And considering I had a false positive on P+15, I figure this cycle is done.
I feel like throwing in the towel.
I'm so done.
Btw, she said that there was blood in my urine and she's going to send it to the lab. She doesn't think that it's another pelvic abscess since I have no other symptoms. She said that if it doesn't clear up that she's going to send me for an ultrasound to take a look at my kidneys.
So the cloudy pee saga continues...
29 April 2012
My class did their First Communion this afternoon and I feel spent! Although there were four other teachers, I was the one that was in charge -- which I don't really mind since I love to organize and I'm bossy.
When I woke up this morning I was feeling very anxious, and I couldn't quite put my finger on the reason. We went to my aunt's house for a party last night and my parents didn't attend. The family feud, that I have no involvement nor information about, is starting to get to me. The strange thing is that my mother called me two mornings in a row and she didn't mention anything about the party, although she was invited to it (Mr. JB was in charge of extending the invitation).
It was strange that she called since we don't speak that often and she called fairly early in the morning. She did have some sad news to share, but she delivered it in the strangest way. Apparently one of my godfathers (yes, I have quite a few godparents, apparently in my culture you can't say now if someone asks to be a godparent) fell and was in the hospital. She called this morning, in the cheeriest voice, to tell me that his family was going to take him off the respirator.
I told her that I didn't feel comfortable going to the hospital, especially I am not close to this godfather nor have I seen him since my wedding (it was a courtesy to invite him and his wife). I also didn't want to be there to see him die. She didn't have any sort of sadness or sympathy in her voice which was so bizarre.
There is some strange, strange stuff going on with my mother, please pray for her and of course, for my godfather.
I just want my family drama to be over! I know that it's starting to affect me and I hate it that they are fighting.
I see my Napro doctor tomorrow afternoon. I still have cloudy urine and I am so worried. I really hope that she has some answers!
28 April 2012
April 28th has become one of my favourite days of the year, and I have St. Gianna to thank for it. I was lucky enough to visit her shrine (and meet up with TCIE and her husband) and I was able to touch her gloves to my womb. We are going to definitely take the opportunity to swing by when we're traveling in the US in the summer -- a visit to the relics can't hurt, right?
I joined A Martha Trying to Be Mary in her novena and I think that I may have to continue for a little while longer (there aren't any rules against that, are there?). I always feel such a great comfort when I pray this particular novena, and I've prayed quite a few during our IF journey.
Today we attended the baptism our dear friends' daughter. I love attending baptisms, but there is always that horrible dread that jealousy and comparison bring in the pit of my stomach. There was quite a bit less today since these friends were former IF'ers AND patients of our beloved Dr. T. L sent me a lovely message reassuring me that she wasn't going to say anything about our IF conversations that we had this week, which is incredibly sweet and totally unnecessary. They are proof that there is an other side, we just have to get there.
St. Gianna, pray for us!
You have one more day to enter the giveaway for The Infertility Companion for Catholics. Please leave a comment on this post so you can be entered for the draw. Mr. JB and I will be making the draw at 9pm EST.
24 April 2012
Many wonderful, fertile friends.
I have to admit that I wasn't completely heartbroken that I was stuck on the couch with a horrible cold (which is thankfully so much better) on Saturday. I missed the First Communion of Mr. JB's cousin's son where we would've been the only childless couple in attendance.
Yes, my fellow IF sisters: the only barren woman at a party full of adorable children.
No, I wasn't too put out that I had to make my own chicken soup. Being alone with my sore throat and runny nose was easier than feeling the horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach.
And don't even get me started on the jealousy.
Or the comparisons.
Yes, if we had a baby nine months after our wedding day my child would be starting the first grade in September.
But we're not going to think about that, right?
One of the couples in attendance, who now has three beautiful children -- one of which is getting baptized on St. Gianna's feast day! -- struggled to start their family. I had been pestering Mr. JB to ask the husband who in the world their doctor was. He finally got the opportunity to ask the lovely L who they saw. I figured that they have three kids now, so their doctor must be a miracle worker!
I got L's message this afternoon. Guess who her doctor is?
My beloved Dr. T!!!! Yes, the same doctor who cried with me in her office when I showed her my surgery rosaries.
If Dr. T could help L have three beautiful babies, she can help us make one!
I know this is a sign from above that I have to keep believing. Yes, on Peak +9, I'm going to decide to be hopeful. My reproductive clock has been reset, it's only been four months, not almost seven years.
Ouch, typing that hurt.
St. Gianna, St. Gerard, St. Rita, St. Anne & St. Joachim, pray for us!!!!
We had an accountant help us with our taxes since we had all of my health stuff from Omaha. I have to say that the $226 that we paid to have our taxes done for us was so much less stressful than having to do it myself (btw, I filed my parents' taxes tonight, neither one had to pay thank God!). We had over $16 000 to claim from my surgeries, so we're going to get about $3000 back.
Which co-incidentally is the amount our new roof is going to cost, a roof that we desperately need.
Yes, God does provide.
And I celebrated by finally replacing my silly i.Phone. The battery was completely pooched and I was tired of it dying randomly. I have to say that I am completely in love. Yes, I'm a geek. Si.ri and I are best friends now.
There's still time to enter my give-away of "The Infertility Companion for Catholics." Just leave a comment on my post from April 22nd by Sunday and you will be entered in the draw! Good luck!
22 April 2012
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise
I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to be a part of Angelique and Carmen's book tour. I know that their book will be an invaluable resource for so many!
I also have a copy of their wonderful book to giveaway. If you are interested in being included in the giveaway, please leave a comment. The giveaway contest closes on April 29th. Good luck!
21 April 2012
This is the view from my perch on the couch.
Btw, I didn't hear from my GP yesterday and I was so out of it because of my cold I didn't realize until after her office closed. I guess I'll have to call on Monday to see what's up. I've still had a couple of cloudy pees since starting the antibiotics.
Being sick sucks. Big, fat donkey balls.
18 April 2012
I sent Mr JB to the pharmacy to get my antibiotic prescription filled and I took one tonight. I really hope that I feel some relief soon.
Lord, please let this be the cause of my cloudy pee!!!!!
17 April 2012
But she won't know until Friday.
She did say that if I am in any more pain or if I visibly see blood that I should fill the prescription right away.
She also didn't think that my lower back pain had to do with my UTI, although I think that she's wrong. It's always symptom for me.
I've never wanted to have a UTI so badly.
I did go to the mall after my appointment and I got these comfy beauties:
I was hoping to find something for my class' First Communion in a couple of weeks, but I came up empty-handed. I'm hoping that the weather is warm enough so I can wear one of my cute spring dresses. I know that I'm going to be in a lot of pictures that day!
Thank God for retail therapy!
15 April 2012
It's a wonder that I volunteered to do my parents' taxes since all it does it cause me aggravation. I spent almost three hours this afternoon wrestling with the online program and I didn't even finish. It's almost 9:30pm and I'm currently on hold to get more tech support.
I really don't think that my parents realize how stressful it is to do stuff like this for them. I know I did volunteer, but they didn't exactly show much appreciation while I was working. Then again, what else is new. I ended up having to leave because I had a yoga class to go to. I was already at my limit and I wasn't getting anywhere with what I was doing. My parents were confused since they don't seem to realize that I have a life -- when my mother phoned yesterday about coming over she announced that she was coming over, not that if it was a good time or not.
She was also shocked that when she phoned that I was at an early yoga class (I've only been going to this class for FIVE YEARS). She also didn't have some essential information to complete their returns and she insisted that she didn't receive it, which is completely untrue since I received the same information.
Hopefully this frustration is getting me close to the gates of heaven!
My second, and biggest worry, is my cloudy pee.
I've been trying very hard not to freak out, but I can't help it. I suspect that I either have a yeast infection or a mild UTI (my kidneys have been sore, but not unbearably so). It's only cloudy when I have to hold it (which happens quite a bit as an elementary school teacher!) or first thing in the morning. The frequency of said cloudy pee has increased in the past week, as well as my discomfort. I see my Napro doctor on April 30th, but I'm thinking now that I should see my annoying GP.
I'm trying not to freak out since cloudy pee was one of my first symptoms of my pelvic abscess which happened after my first laparotomy -- and I absolutely do not want to have another one of those! I also realize that my surgery was in November and that a post-op abscess/infection is highly unlikely.
Could there be something else causing my cloudy pee?
*Update: I made an appointment with my GP. I know that I can't wait to see my Napro doctor on the 30th. I hope that it's nothing major! As for the taxes, I'm taking a break tonight. I'll get back to them tomorrow night. [sigh]
9 April 2012
I have commented on her blog fairly regularly, so I don't think that she was suspicious when I would comment about prayers for her. She also reached out to me to say prayers for me during Lent! We may have not been blessed with miracle pregnancies, but I will continue to pray for her intentions and I am sure that the Lord will bless her and her husband.
God bless you Rebecca!
I would like to thank Made for Another World for praying for me! I definitely felt her prayers. I have felt so peaceful the past few weeks, and I know that her prayers were instrumental to helping my mindset. Thank you so much!
8 April 2012
1 April 2012
Uncle Jack's funeral was lovely. Mr. JB's brother was able to fly in to celebrate the funeral mass (lucky for us, he had returned from Africa the week before), which everyone in the family appreciated. It was so great to have someone that could tell personal stories during the homily. We've spent a lot of time sharing funny stories about Uncle Jack. As my BIL said, he was larger than life and he will be missed by many.
Yesterday, I attended a going away party for my favourite yoga teacher. He's going on a sabbatical for a year so he can study at a meditation retreat in California. He has become a very good friend and his absence is definitely going to be difficult. His classes are my favourite and every time he says to try something new, I feel like my body is up for the challenge -- not many have that talent! I know that this is a great opportunity for him and that when he returns he will be an even better teacher, but selfishly I wish he didn't have to go.
I am especially worried for my friend, K. I have mentioned before that she has had feelings for G for a long, long time. Feelings that aren't reciprocated. She has told him how she feels about him and he has told her that he does not feel the same way. She organized the going away party yesterday and she had a hard time keeping it together. Please keep her in your prayers, she is very fragile and I'm trying to be supportive, but G's departure is going to be very, very difficult for her.
And lastly, I'm saying goodbye to my Lenten dream of falling pg. AF arrived late yesterday, although I knew that she was on her way (my boobs were no longer sore and I could feel stirrings in my pelvis). I hoped and hoped that our AZ vacation, prayer buddies and Lent would finally bring us our miracle.
Alas, I was disappointed yet again.
I am so blessed to have a husband that is so hopeful. When I told him this morning he said not to worry. He also said that we're lucky to have Uncle Jack in heaven asking the Lord to send us a baby. He was a very determined man, so hopefully he can help speed up the process!
Thank you so much prayer buddy for all of your prayers. I am sure that you have a lot to do with how at peace I feel right now. And for the buddy that I'm praying for, you're getting loads of prayers offered up for you!
Happy Palm Sunday everyone! I can't believe that it's Holy Week already!
26 March 2012
He told the attendant at his home that he was feeling good today. He closed his eyes and that was it.
He was one of those people that you thought would live forever.
He had a massive stroke thirteen years ago and lay on the floor for sixteen hours until someone found him.
Let's just say that he was a tough, tough man.
Please pray for his children, his grandchildren and his surviving siblings.
Uncle Jack, may you rest in peace. Until we meet again.
21 March 2012
Until recently, the only prescription that I have had to pay for out-of-pocket was Lo.w D.ose Nal.trexone. Unfortunately, I have just found out that my wonderful compounded T3 is not covered, and possibly the DHEA that I've been taking.
I'm currently on hold with a customer service representative who is checking if S.ynthroid and Ar.mour are covered.
Anyone out there with experience with either drug? I've been stable on the 30mg of T3 and I've been so happy with it. I haven't had a side effect in so long!
I really can't afford to dish out for drugs if I can find an alternative!
Update: Syn.throid is covered, but the rep couldn't find information on Ar.mour.
19 March 2012
I was born at St. Joseph Hospital. He is also the patron saint of Canada. Most recently, I had my surgeries at St. Joseph Hospital in Omaha. And most importantly, I am married to a Joseph.
One of my first memories of learning about St. Joseph was a statue in the parish that I grew up in. The altar was flanked by a statue of Joseph on one side and Mary on the other. I can't recall who told me who he was, but I was fascinated by the statue of the man that held a hammer (my dad is super handy so I assumed that all dads knew how to fix things). I said many, many prayers in front of that statue and I never realized how instrumental he would be in my life.
I have blogged many times about how optimistic my husband is. I am so blessed that he has the amazing belief that we will be biological parents. I have told him many times that if it wasn't for him that I would've given up a long time ago.
So I've decided to step up my prayers to St. Joseph. I don't know why I didn't realize it sooner, but I feel called to petition him for our baby.
I'm doing this for selfish reasons as well. If I am ever blessed to have a son he will be named Joseph (like his dad and his grandfather -- it's a family tradition). I hope and pray that I get the chance!
St. Joseph, pray for us!
14 March 2012
I've been able to sleep in, read and just enjoy doing nothing.
[insert happy sigh here]
We arrived late Saturday (although our plane was half an hour early getting in!) and Sunday was Mr. JB's cousin's wife's birthday, so they hosted a barbecue for their friends and family. I was feeling quite tired so I took a long nap in the middle of the party. I have never dealt well with time changes, so I needed the rest.
On Monday we had lunch at a vegan restaurant in Phoenix. It was a strange experience and the service was horrible, but the food was delicious. We went to a neighbouring used book store to get some more books since Mr. JB and I are finishing all of of our vacation reading!
Yesterday we went to Tucson. We went on a short hike (Mr. JB hates hikes!) in Catalina State Park. We took the path to see the wildflowers. I love how the flowers grow in the desert among the cacti. I took so many pictures. Afterward we headed to downtown Tucson. We drove around and visited St. Augustine Cathedral -- what a beautiful church! We finished off the evening at El Charro, a fantastic Mexican restaurant. The woman that founded the restaurant's father built the cathedral, so it was like our day came full circle. I can't wait to have my leftovers!
We're having a lazy day today. We're about an hour outside of Phoenix, so we decided to stay local since we drove so much yesterday and Monday. I think that we're going to see a movie and then just hang out by the pool.
Unfortunately, I won't be seeing the wonderful AZ bloggers Leila and Danya. We're just too far away and I don't feel comfortable asking to borrow our relatives' huge truck and traveling to the city on my own. This definitely isn't our last trip to the AZ, so we'll have to figure out something the next time we're here (which won't be too long!).
On the IF front: my CM has been so strange. I was told not to take C.lomid since my FSH was so high last cycle and I'm still taking a mucus enhancer. I usually have more 10KL going on, but I've had some strange brown mucus (sorry, TMI) and not too much CM. Very weird. I guess my body just wants to keep me guessing!
10 March 2012
I am looking forward to being somewhere else. I am also hoping that I can leave as much of my IF baggage behind -- not likely since it looks like I will be ovulating while we're away.
I hope that the warm weather and not having to wear big, bulky clothing will help heal me physically and emotionally.
I just hope that this trip is uneventful. The last time we traveled to AZ, we got bumped from our flight.
Prayer buddy, I have been offering up all kinds of prayers for you!
I'll check in when we're down south!!
5 March 2012
My awesome chiropractor suggested trying some water exercise as I recuperate and I found a yoga-tai chi-pilates class in the water at my local community centre AND it's also in the warm therapy pool (the water temperature is 33C/92F) so the water is perfect.
Not only is the exercise more gentle, but I love that I feel so incredibly strong, and it's been a long time since I've felt strong.
I'm the second-youngest person in the class and I always do the modifications to make the exercises more difficult -- I was sore last week and I'm a little sore tonight, but I feel so good when I get home.
I'm feeling so much better physically that I think that I'm going to add another yoga class to my fitness schedule (I'm currently doing two easy classes: a Yin and a Restorative). There's an Ashtanga prep class on Saturday mornings that I am ready to return to after the March Break, which is two weeks earlier than I planned.
I know that my need to exercise is part of my need to control something in my body. IF has taken so much of my peace of mind and exercising is the one thing that I can do that can help me forget. I am also one of those strange people that enjoys the physical exertion of a good workout. I know that I am still a long way away from being where I was physically before my surgeries, but being pain-free is a pretty awesome trade-off.
I am trying so hard to be gentle with myself. After two disappointing cycles, I know that I have to re-frame my thinking since these are our first actual fertile cycles ever (which is still hard to stomach since we have been married for over six years).
As I drove home from my class tonight I passed through the part of my neighbourhood that we want to live in. I know that the financial hardships that we are facing are going to be for good. I believe that the Lord is having me prioritize what we really need and not just what we want. I would love to have a beautiful detached home with a big yard, but we have a lovely, affordable home now.
And to top it off this time next week we will be in beautiful Arizona. I can't wait!!!
3 March 2012
The setting didn't quite make sense, but I was definitely at work (although it looked nothing like my school). Two of my colleagues that are "in the know" about my IF were forcing me to POAS (which all of you know, I do not do).
One of women brought me a test in bubble wrap (I have no idea what that means!) and she made me go to the washroom (which was MUCH nicer than the real facilities). I did the deed and when I looked down at the test it was positive.
In my dream I was shocked, but elated.
I even did the "When was the last time I took HCG?" count in my dream.
My other colleague took the test out of my hand and I said, "You know I just peed on that, don't you?"
The rest of the dreams blurs, but I woke up happy.
I'm considering this a sign of good things to come, although I don't think that I'm going to POAS in a staff washroom. Our school board buys clear garbage bags and I really don't want the custodian to see the box.
Btw, the DHEA is going well. I woke up with a headache yesterday morning and I was scared that it was related to the new medication, but this morning I was fine. Thank God!